“I’m 20 minutes into Terminator: Salvation the video game and I’ve hit 5, no make that 6, loading screens. I have also earned 160 gamer points. Please, make it stop.”

- Violent handwriting scrawled into my composition notebook whilst playing Terminator: Salvation the video game. July 5th, 2009 12:45 A.M

Warner Bros. Interactive is having a particularly rough year between this game, “Watchmen: The End is Nigh” and “Wanted.” One could hope they could turn out a quality product once in awhile. Alas, “once” might be asking too much. As if the the Sci-Fi/Action loving crowd didn’t suffer enough when James Cameron pawned his Terminator franchise to Carolco, Terminator: Salvation just had to be made as a lackluster movie and depicable video game. There are moments when I feel truly lucky to be able to play games for free and wax poetically about them. This is not one of those moments. I have had little internal seizures everytime the words “Predator” “Aliens” and “Terminator” are paired with “video game” since 1991; After playing Terminator: Salvation, I died a little more inside.

“It’s Not a Tooomah!”

To say that Terminator: Salvation The Video Game is an abomination is a bit dramatic, but it is safe to say that in no way should anyone rent, own or glance at this game for fear of lowering their IQs, losing bodily functions and possibly turning to stone. The game was developed by GRIN Studios, published by Evolved Games, co-published by Equity Games, licensed by Halcyon Games and distributed by Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment. I have listed all of the corporations responsible because they should all be petitioned or sued so that they will STOP MAKING GAMES. You would think I’d try to go easy on GRIN for releasing such a unkempt and disrespectful use of the Terminator license, seeing as they’re shit-canning 100+ employees after the “success” of Bionic Commando, Wanted and (sigh) this game…. No effin’ way.

“No, Really…Don’t Hold Back.”

Imagine if Gears of War was made out of Lincoln Logs and Duplo blocks with story and dialogue written by a 3rd grade student. Insert voices of borderline A-list talent and blend with 4 types of robots from McG’s similarly titled box office bomb and press “Puree”. What results is one of the most embarrassing major console releases I have ever played. Looney Tunes Acme Arsenal, eat your heart out.

Terminator: Salvation pits you as a lifeless husk John Connor, who decides instead of going home on a helicopter, he’d rather run through a robot infested maze and rescue three dudes he’s never met from the depths of a Skynet manufacturing plant. The press release has more chutzpah in the game’s original description from 2008 than the actual game itself. I will allow them the honor of explaining the game I supposedly played:

(I have added the harsh realities in parentheses)

“Terminator: Salvation the video game offers (forces) players the chance to assume the role of John Connor (sans Bale), a soldier in the resistance, battling for survival against the far superior (future scrapmetal) forces of Skynet. Common reprises his film role as Barnes, a (not so-) humorous ex-football player who manages to crack jokes (never) while battling an army of relentless Terminators (sometimes). Moon Bloodgood returns to her role as Blair Williams, the confident and attractive (scary looking) resistance soldier who thinks Connor should step up as a leader and isn’t afraid to call him on it (never says anything of the sort). Rose McGowan joins the team to voice a role that is exclusive to the game. McGowan plays Angie Salter, a fatalistic ex-elementary school teacher who’s still not adjusted to the harsh realities of war (That actually is true. Though they never mention she was a teacher. LIARS!!!).”

Actually, Rose McGowan spent most of the game repeating the line “Don’t come near me.” as if I were guilty of some atrocious crime in-game as well. Its safe to say I understood her.

“John, Close Your Eyes…”

Visually, the game is….hurlblarrrrgggggh. Excuse me. As I was saying: The visuals are foggy, poorly rendered and so painful to look upon that I have inundated myself with cuddly images like the one below just to get the vicious polygonal alignments out of my already deflating brain.

The “story” and dialogue just increase the urge to destroy the television with a claw hammer. With major time leaps, missing plot points (How exactly did I get to that Harvester?) and innumerable load screens, there is hardly any game here at all. Everyone involved with this project must have called in sick 5 days a week- from the directors to the level designers to the cast ( I’m not afraid to flick off the Swedes who are credited with most of the work) nothing has been cared for in the production of this “game”. There were, however, a few fleeting moments where I saw things that some environment modeler/ artist had put some love into, but then never got paid and finally gave up. And speaking of cheap: Apparently the engine they built it on can only handle a block of gameplay no more than 7 minutes long before you get a crummy, screen-tearing cgi cartoon and another loading screen. I’m not kidding. I clocked the average in game time at just over 4 minutes before hitting a load screen. You will never want to see another T600 skull ever again.

The cover to cover system and gunfire work surprisingly well for a game that clunkers so much. The entire controller isn’t even mapped out. (This is a 3rd person shooter and there’s empty buttons? What is this? 1996?!?) You can’t really run, you just kinda saunter hence you get pulverized with bullets anytime you stick your head out. The health system has a mind of its own, deciding when it wants to refill after game-triggering events, leaving the player in the dark as to when they can breathe again.  The weapon HUD is obtrusive and the lack of ammo is increasingly frustrating as there are guns lying simply everywhere. As if that weren’t bad enough, leave it to the squad AI (as in: The invincible NPCs that follow you around) and repetitive enemies to drain all the remaining life out of the game. You will only fight four types of enemies: Wasps, Spiders, T600s and Hunter Killers. All have weak points, especially if you have explosives. Once you figure out how the robots can be destroyed quickly, you can earn 720 gamer points in 3 hours for the 360, or a multitude of Trophies on the PS3. So for all you gamerscore addicts, this game is a must.

There. I said it. I have finally “officially” endorsed this game, albeit to a very narrow demographic.

If you have reached this line, I must thank you. To think that you might have read or skimmed this article shows you’re a firm believer in exploratory journalism or that you’re a bulletproof fanboy here to terminate me in the comments section. Either way, I’m just glad its all over. Gameplay itself isn’t terrible, were it a $5 game. But its a $60 game and there isn’t an excuse in the world that justifies buying it let alone renting it. Remember: Don’t  think about this game. Ever. Again.