I must sarcastically paraphrase a comment about one of my previous editorials, unfortunately without the necessary faggish tone of voice.  “I hate editorials because they are expressions of other people’s opinions.”  That doesn’t read as hilariously as it would look when I mockingly extend my right forearm, limp my wrist, and pronounce each ‘s’ like air escaping a tire.  Whoever wrote that is an undeniable douche bag.  The type of douche bag reserved to clean vaginas that were initially cleaned with even dirtier vaginas.  The sole intention of an editorial is to express the writer’s opinion!  Some are based on fact.  Mine, which I’ve stated on numerous occasions, are based on ignorant hate speech.

News reporting, not editorials, are supposed to be non biased and based on facts.  Though the facts may be present, it is near impossible to write anything without bias.

(Disclaimer:  This is the fictitious opinion of Jimmy the Greek.  If you would like him, or other Games Are Evil editors, to review a game it will be handled in an objective and professional manner.)

Let’s look at the topic of reviews.  They may present factual information, but are utterly biased imitations of an informative exposé.  I’ve written numerous reviews and attached arbitrary scores to various media.  The hate factors in when I read reviews written by other people.

The Scoring System

When I was a kid, the scoring system was obvious.  1 was terrible and 10 was totally tits, the bee’s knees, the cat’s proverbial pajamas.  In true “Spinal Tap” tradition a game could even go to 11.  I grew into my teens and discovered that the 10 point numbering system could easily be applied to fingers.  Like “I’d cut off 10 fingers for 1 hour with Claudia Lynx and a gallon of lube,” or “I would clip all 10 of my finger nails to take a number 3 in Julia Robert’s mouth.”  I moved into my early 20′s and started looking at the numbering system as percentages.  If a game got a 3, it meant 30% of all people who play games might like it.  Now I have no idea what the numbering system is for.

I sure as hell don’t believe in alphabetic scoring.  We aren’t in school anymore and if we were, do you really want to be reminded of the “F” you got on your shitty Great Expectations book report, while playing an even shittier game?  I didn’t think so… well maybe you do, but if you do, I think you have more issues than Rolling Stone.  Back on task…

GTA IV sure as hell wasn’t a 10.  It was great, but not perfect.  Look at the reviews for The Godfather II.  Some say it’s total shit and others say it’s worth at least one play.  I’d prefer to believe it’s closer to shit, but you get the point.  The only thing I can figure is that the scoring system is some superficial branding mechanism used to assist publishers and the illiterate… or people without Gamefly accounts.  Whatever the purpose, the only thing the score does for me is signify the gaming preference of the reviewer.

The Reviewers

Find someone who masturbates to manga (that was my mandatory masturbation reference) and sit them in front of a blatantly Japanese game.   After an hour they’ll tell you the incomprehensible dialog is a work of art, lost on the cursed English translation, while the buxom bosoms are symbolic of a subliminal Freudian desire to have sex with large breasted women.  Sit me in front of the same game and I’ll tell you the stagnant camera angles ruin game play, in favor of ill conceived artistry.  The dialog would have been better left as the pings and pangs made by throwing a cast iron frying pan down a hallway.  My mistake, it would have been better as subtitled Japanese.  The large breasted women are best left in porno, where they actually take their clothes off and shove cocks the size of novelty baseball bats in a variety of unholy holes.

That obscenity laden tirade serves to state one point: Games are judged by the preferences of the people who play them.  The judgments cast by one person certainly do not represent that of the greater whole.  If you’re going to base a game purchase off a review, read as many as possible and make sure you know the tastes of the people writing them.  With drugs you should know your dealer, with reviews, you should know your writer.

Blockbuster/Fanboy Bias

It is no surprise that games like Grand Theft Auto, Resident Evil 5, Street Fighter IV, Super Mario Whatever, Halo, anything Valve shits out, etc, get rave reviews.  Some are truly fantastic games, I’m not trying to take away the genuine accomplishment. However, nobody doubted said games would score well.  In fact, a company can base its entire livelihood on the success of one franchise, *coughs* Rockstar *coughs*.  What pisses me off is it seems reviewers choose a score for the latest installment in the grandest franchises before they’ve actually played the game.  The real challenge only exists in describing the game in such a way to merit the 9.3 the rewarded it.

The Criteria

This only applies to video game reviews.  All other reviews should follow comprehensive criteria.  Video game reviews need to answer three simple questions:

1. Why is/isn’t it fun?
2. Will you play it again, why or why not?
3. Should it be bought, rented, or burned it in the developer’s front yard like some misunderstood branch of the Ku Klux Klan?

I don’t mind discussions about the existential meaning of the purpose of a story element, but it has no place in the review.  Graphics are great, but they shouldn’t be the determining factor in the purchase of a game, unless the game is erotic and has a cock piece peripheral.  Story is also nice, but the Wii wouldn’t be successful if bestselling games had to have story.  Face it, if the story is that good, it should be a book before it becomes a game.  You can discuss graphics, characters, story, and controls but in the end, is the motherfucker worth playing?

In short, game reviews are biased interpretations of various definitions of success, weighted by mass appeal, and delivered by mongoloids (except for myself and all the editors at Games Are Evil, of course).  If you have a contrary opinion to mine, or feel offended by my opinions, bend over, grab each ankle, and have your sweaty palmed, shaky handed lover shove your opinion up your ass(that is my mandatory ass shoving reference).  Good day!