Top 10 Reasons Retro Games Are Evil
Welcome to our first in a series of Top 10 lists hitting your noggins every Friday. While the idea is far from original, we think the list itself is pure hilarity. And in the spirit of Retro, we pose this question: “If a game console is turned on, and a game is inside to be played, is the console truly dead?”
1. Playing X-Com Ufo Defense (PS1) for over 24 hours and the memory card fries itself
- Lester failed to realize his weight meant the Reapers would surely kill him
2. Chronotrigger (SNES), forcing a friend and I in college to play it for days on end in rotating shifts - and not shifts for class, but for sleep!
- “WASN’T EASY!”
3. Baseball Stars on the NES liked to erase save files, to make friends not trust each other
- The options were endless….for paranoia
4. Fire Pro D (Dreamcast) import only had menus in Japanese. It’s not fun customizing for over an hour and losing all your work, to get the Berzerker to kick people out of the ring and then “Huss” over and over again
- How did this idea fail?
5. Nintendo Ice Hockey (NES) is not meant to be wagered on, yet my friends did this in college and owed large sums of money to each other. These debts were ultimately repaid in acts of public humiliation, like “…drink the chocolate milk full of salt, Turner, to work off $20.”
- Now imagine half of this is a mineral
6. Playing Perfect Dark (N64) for so long that you know exactly how many n-bombs kill an enemy and having nightmares about the little “Sectoids”
- …and keep in mind the little creeps taste great with a number of dipping sauces
7. Pit Fighter (Arcade)…I had friends that loved this. I now know why they also enjoyed discipline so much.
- For some reason I associate this picture with the word “donkey”
8. In the spirit of the Olympic Games and Atari 800 and Commodore 64, The “Track and Field Blister”
- “Failed to Qualify”
9. They have made an inside joke out of up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A….
- No matter how many times I have tried on an ATM, I do not get an extra $30
10. “Super Mario World: The Drinking Game” played with 100 proof Southern Comfort + sled riding = danger
- Somehow Rich did not see this coming, I wonder why?
Got any of your own?
*Dave Hatfield, aka The Fanky Malloon, is the evil genius behind Games Are Evil’s Retro section.
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Ahh, the joys of retro-gaming. I saw two returning adult college students(i.e. 30 year olds) have an all out fist fight over Tecmo Bowl.
Betting on video games is dangerous. I worked off my debt by seeing how long I could hold a wingnut that previously had a flame held to it. At $25 for 30 seconds, I worked off $6 of my $80 debt. Ouch!
Hilarious… Munky Falloon struck a nerve. I still have a scar from atari track and field. Perhaps Munky can review some of my other favorites- activision pitfall, PS1 nba jam (rodman’s got great hair), and ataris riddle of the sphinx. God bless cheat codes, wish they had them at work.
Fantastic!
While on the subject of blister!!!
Ugh, my pic didnt post.
My last post would have made a lot more sense if you all would have seen the pic of the old school Atari football with the trakball LOL…
Hey Justin! Did your URL get stripped out or was it a gravatar issue? Let me know what happened so we can fix it.
Thanks a ton for the comments.
jason, great to hear from you. that pit fighter game brings back sweet memories of pockets full of quarters and cramped fingers.
Speaking of Track and Field, the NES version anyways, I’m convinced that the Popeye like forearms one would develop from the repeated A,B button combo smashing was a more effective workout than the current offerings of the Wii. That was your retro Wii Fit.
China is here Mr. Burton
Grover that is dangerous
Lucky, I would suggest the Konami code for everything, including work.
I too was injured over and over again by the old Atari “X & O” table top trackball game. Evil personified.
xxxvii…Pitt Fighter did not just take quarters. It stole some of my innocence. Bennet from Commando should have been a boss.
Brutal did the corners of the NES controller also stab you
?
Thanks for all the comments. Please keep them coming, as I know everyone must have some nightmare stories about their consoles and games being evil.
For example: Did you all know that Ghosts and Goblins cheated and wanted me to break my controller in a fit of rage?
The corners of the controller did indeed cause injury during heated gameplay. Even worse though was the NES R.O.B. Sometimes he would beam messages into my head to try to get me to do his evil bidding. “No R.O.B., I don’t want to play Gyromite!” I used to scream…
R.O.B. should be the spokesrobot for Retro Evil. He projected bad ideas.
[...] The hero of the week is definitely our Retro category: Dave published a ridiculously funny and spot-on accurate Top 10 List of Why Retro Games Are Evil. [...]
Hell yes… just fired up X-Com a few months back until that damn hidden reaper decimated the entire party.
Jason,
I’m guessing the URL got stripped. I loaded the pic up to my photobucket account, and used the dummy link to copy, paste into the post. It works on other sites.
Thanks,
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